Update. College. Boyfriend?

I leave for college in the last week of August. I kinda hope iCould find a boyfriend during the semester. I shouldn’t be so rushy about it though. But it would be nice though. I’ve never been in a relationship with a guy, and all the relationships i’ve had only last about a week or so. I never felt right with girls.

~ They knew I was gay, because……

~ I came out to a group of friends, and they said they had a feeling that I was gay because i was too kind and goodlooking to be straight.

~ dancing..?

~ So I’m that kind of guy that loves to dance in couples. Slow dancing, salsa, merengue, etc.

Now I’m kinda getting curious… how will I dance with a guy? I guess one person has to take on the woman’s roles of the dance.

~ My dad finally accepts me that I’m gay.

~ My dad finally accepts that I am gay. I never realized about it until he came home one day to find me sad. He kept wanting me to work on a scholarship but I was not focused about it. I just couldn’t keep the fact that I will soon have to come out to my mom soon.  He began to raise his voice about how I need to stop thinking about it and focus on this scholarship because we are low on paying off my upcoming year of college.

So, despite my absolute low point, I began to work on my scholarship.

During the next day, while my dad was at work he called me. He apoligized for the way he acted because he now became visualent that it is an issue that is bothering me. He said he will accept it, and will always love me. And that he will be beside me when I tell my mother. Right then and there I burst into tears. It’s such a hard struggle battling and trying to deny that I am gay since I was in the 6th grade.

Although it was at the moment my dad confronted me, I was not crying because I was happy. I was still so sad. My mother always dreamed about having a girl. However, it was difficult to have her pregnant.  She was only able to have boys. So ever since then, she dreamed of the woman I would marry. But I know I will never marry a female. I always end up stressed and uncomfortable when being in a relationship with a girl. But when I’m with a guy, everything comes naturally.

I just know that I will be coming out to my mother soon. I know it will devistate her. I just pray she doesn’t go into a mental break down and depression again. That is my worst fear, to start that horrible time for us again.

I’m so stressed and depressed.

~ My dad says im just curious about men. My mom is homophobic and I cant stop thinking about how it would be like when i come out of the closet to her. I really wish i could find love right now, and will also be going to the school im going away to.

I just hate pretending to be someone im not. Ppl keep asking me why i dont have a girlfriend. i could use some prayer, please.

~ Visiting an LGBT youth center tomorrow…

~ Tomorrow, hopefully, I will be visiting an LGBT youth center where they ease the stress and tensions that I am going through. I’ve never been to one but everyone I know who has gone, say they are transformed!!!!

Wish me luck tomorrow! I really need it. I hear you can just tell the whole story that you go through, and I think it’ll be good to spill it all out. I’ve kept so much tucked away and hidden for nearly seven years.

~ My dad isn’t helping anymore

~ Ugh. My dad was just talking to me about how I should hold off coming out till what I believe he described as my 30s. NO! I can’t stand this any longer. I feel so bad for gays and lesbians who didn’t grow up in the 21st century where the country wasn’t as accepting as it is today.

My dad, btw, describes about how uncomfortable guys would feel. And girls won’t wanna be my friend. I’ve already told alot of ppl and i’ve never had anyone feel uncomfortable. The only hard part about coming out is with the older generation in my perspectives. The adults I’ve come out to are uneasy with my sexuality.

Ugh, and my dad just thinks its a phase. He tells me “you know, everyone is attracted to a naked body. Doesn’t mean you’re gay.” 

THAT’S NOT THE REASON AT ALL!

I love being gay!

~ thts all i got to say for today!

FRUSTRATED…

~ So iCame out to my dad as gay, after five months of telling him I was bi. He thinks its a phase and always tells me that its perfectly natural to like the same sex… BUT… he thinks he can convince me out by pointing out the fundamentals of a heterosexual relationship.

It’s really driving me crazy! I just want to fricken accept that he has a gay son already. There’s no convincing out of. I’ve tried not being gay, but I realize this is who I am.

…I just want to be happy…